I finally saw that knowing look in her eyes the days following her one year birthday, when I left her at the day care. She looked at me with a look of accusation! She knew.... she finally figured it out and realized at last... "Mommy is leaving Me!!".
Before that, she never really noticed that I left her there or when I came and left for that matter. She was always just content to be distracted by things and as long as we could keep her distracted, we were all in a win-win situation.
But that day, she cried and her eyes never once wavered. They never once left my eyes. She locked into me.. into my soul and told me that she KNEW. She knew that I was going and that I was leaving her at the daycare. She wanted me to know that she Knew. That look in her eyes will be forever implanted into my memory. I can never forget her look or the feelings of guilt that crept into my whole being.
What was I doing? Why was I going to work? What was the purpose? What is the purpose of living, if you can't even be with the ones you love?
She finally let go of my leg and ripped her eyes away from mine. She walked right up to Miss Colleen and climbed into her arms. Ms. Colleen was sitting on a chair. She cuddled with Miss Colleen and then looked right at me. She stared at me, with a somber face and raised one arm. She opened and closed her fists and said, "Ba Bye, Ba Bye".
I wore my heart on my sleeve for the rest of the day. I couldn't do anything without thinking about those tiny fists opening and closing. I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. Anything would and could trigger me that day. It was that Look in her eyes... that said so much.
It was the final "Ba-Bye" that said to me that she knows I have to go, and that she's now allowing me to leave, and that she would be okay.
Before that, she never really noticed that I left her there or when I came and left for that matter. She was always just content to be distracted by things and as long as we could keep her distracted, we were all in a win-win situation.
But that day, she cried and her eyes never once wavered. They never once left my eyes. She locked into me.. into my soul and told me that she KNEW. She knew that I was going and that I was leaving her at the daycare. She wanted me to know that she Knew. That look in her eyes will be forever implanted into my memory. I can never forget her look or the feelings of guilt that crept into my whole being.
What was I doing? Why was I going to work? What was the purpose? What is the purpose of living, if you can't even be with the ones you love?
She finally let go of my leg and ripped her eyes away from mine. She walked right up to Miss Colleen and climbed into her arms. Ms. Colleen was sitting on a chair. She cuddled with Miss Colleen and then looked right at me. She stared at me, with a somber face and raised one arm. She opened and closed her fists and said, "Ba Bye, Ba Bye".
I wore my heart on my sleeve for the rest of the day. I couldn't do anything without thinking about those tiny fists opening and closing. I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. Anything would and could trigger me that day. It was that Look in her eyes... that said so much.
It was the final "Ba-Bye" that said to me that she knows I have to go, and that she's now allowing me to leave, and that she would be okay.
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